If you’re on Threads today, you’ve no doubt seen the epic cake story—a woman in Britain who was volunteered (more like, volun-told) by her husband to host a birthday party on a weeknight has said no, thank you. She’s made it clear to her husband that as she’s got nothing to do with this party, he, his mother, and sister-in-law will be left to their own devices.

The thread is epic, and it catalogues all the attempts to push the author’s boundaries—the kids notice there aren’t any decorations. The husband tries to ask for some help but our author is busy with parenting duties. The SIL tries to make a point of trying to check the author (“Are you feeling okay? Are you sure?” when the author has nothing to contribute to discussions of when to eat or what to serve). The absolutely clearest example of this is the cake needing to get cut, and SIL wanting our protagonist to do it because she “doesn’t know how”.

As an eldest daughter and recovering people pleaser, it’s such a non-scandalous but affirming thread (found here if you’re interested in the whole saga). It seems as though thousands of people—especially women—are recognising the unfairness of being told to do a series of difficult tasks (bake the cake, clean the house, decorate, provide food and drink, and host….on a weeknight where the party starts as the husband ends his workday) all while being made to feel crazy for pointing out that this work takes time and effort. I’m so glad that these stories are becoming more mainstream.

But it’s also got me thinking about the emotional labour I do in my life—specifically, when it comes to travel.

I like solo travel, and I do plenty of it. These trips take labour, and being the only one who gets to enjoy the trip, it makes sense that those tasks fall to me.

But there are trips I take with others—my partner, my family, and my friends—where extra tasks need to be done, and it’s not always an even split. So for me this has looked like:

-Reminding my Dad to get the correct currency out prior to landing in a new country, to avoid outrageous transfer charges

-Booking excursions on my International credit card, to avoid racking up massive international charge fees

-Researching transit, safety standards, and common phonetic phrases for the area I’m travelling to

-Ensuring that in my shared household, we’re unplugging all electrical outlets and plugging the sink so bugs don’t nest in the pipes

These are all examples of things I’ve done in the last year, willingly—in part because they have to get done, but mostly because I’m aware of them. The most annoying response to explaining to someone what work needs to get done is, “I didn’t realise we had to do that”.

If you’re the planner in your party, you’re probably pretty aware of what needs to be done. But if you think that maybe you might not be carrying enough of the mental load, here are some questions to ask yourself:

-When I travel, do I book the transport and accommodation? Do I contribute to the research, and give feedback on what’s been suggested? Or do I leave the messages on “Read” until I’m reminded by someone to check the group chat?

-When someone asks prior to or on the trip, “What would you like to do or see while we’re there?”, do I come with ideas? Or do I assume that other people will make a plan for me?

-If I’m relying on others to make a plan, am I complaining about it?

-If we’re out and about and there’s a big expense, do I offer to put my card down and get paid back later? Am I always avoiding Venmo or Monzo requests for funds? Do I call the Uber, or wait for other people to do it? Am I putting the financial burden on others?

-Do I pay people back for the expenses promptly?

-When the group is ready to leave, am I ready to? Or am I shrugging off lateness as no biggie, even if I can see it’s stressful for others?

-Do I pay attention or take note of the times of our plans? This could look like when other people’s flights or trains arrive, the check-in time and check-out times for the hotel, what time meal reservations are (and therefore, when you’re supposed to leave for said plans), or the timings of ticketed events or excursions.

-Do I set up, or at least contribute to, the planning of the excel document, and the Splitwise account?

-Am I checking in with other people who might need help with luggage, medicines, etc? Am I taking pics of people, topping up their drinks, making them meals? Or is my good time the only one I’m after?

-If someone did most of the planning (like a bachelorette weekend, or a graduation trip) am I thanking them for that planning labour? If someone seems anxious about their guests enjoying themselves, am I letting them know I’m having a good time?

-If I live with the person I’m travelling with, are there tasks that I’m noticing that they’re doing that I consider to be “extra”, that are really benefitting me? So examples might include: extra loads of laundry, changing bedsheets ahead of time so that you’re coming home to sleep in fresh ones, cleaning out the fridge, plugging the drains, arranging a pet sitter, or double-checking lights are off and windows are closed.

-Do I have all the information I need to take on the primary role in this trip, or am I completely reliant on my travel buddy?

Emotional labour can be hard for anyone—but taking it seriously is a good step towards making sure everyone gets to enjoy the trip.

Can you think of other forms of emotional labour on trips that I’ve not thought of? Let me know below….happy travels!